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these boots are made for walking
Dec. 27th, 2004
Dec. 19th, 2004
01:07 am
break, finally. i'm 18 now too! my birthday was such a blast--i had a 2 day birthday because of the party yesterday. i had a really good time at the party and i think everyone else did, too. every seven seconds played. i got some really fun presents too. thanks to everyone for coming!
so midnight rolled around last night and billy started singing happy birthday, since it was then officially the 18th. and i just started bawling. i just felt really sick. i mean i knew it was coming all day but i had felt fine up until that point, and then my skin was hurting and my throat was scratchy and everything else, you know. so billy drove me home and just talking to him on the ride home made me feel so much better. that boy is a prince. so i woke up this morning and you know how every year you get asked the question, "so do you feel any older?" well i can honestly say i do, for once. it's so nice. i feel like i look older too, but maybe it's just me. anyway, i had practice from 10-12, and then billy and me came back to my house, took showers, talked with the fam, took so many pictures with my new digital camera he got me (check out my webshots), and went to WRV for billy to get something for his wetsuit (he's in hatteras with some guys for 2 days). then, we met my family and joanna at the cheesecake factory! so yummy. for dessert i split a piece of tiramisu cheesecake with my mom and joanna...heavenly. oh yeah, i am now an official member of 24-7, the gym that my parents belong to that you have to be 18 to join, since members can get in literally 24-7. so i was given the key today, so stoked on that--and it's right down the street from me so no more trecking out to the dreaded ymca after late practices. so then billy took me iceskating! such a blast--i hadn't been but once since 6th grade.
*all in all, this was the best birthday ever, and 17 was the best year to date. 
Dec. 11th, 2004
11:31 pm
so i babysat instead of cheering at the game tonight. $20 an hour is worth it though. i christmas shopped today. it was fun. i love billy + happy 8 months as of yesterday. i am sleepy. pretty much all i wanted to do was brag about how much money i got and that i'm 8 months deep into love. & my birthday is in one week & i'll be an adult. hah!
Dec. 7th, 2004
10:14 pm
wow so much has been going on this month that i don't even know where to begin. can anyone else not believe that it's almost christmas? and why the heck does it feel like spring outside today? it should be SNOWING, not in the 70s. it's pretty hard to focus on school anymore. i'm waiting to hear from JMU mid-january, and i'm so sure that i'm going to get in that i haven't bothered to apply elsewhere. i know, it's dumb, but really, i'm 98% sure about this so i don't see the need to even bother.
cheering is...i don't know. we'll be at nationals is less than a month. i fully believe we'll get first, too, that is if some 10th graders decide to take it seriously and shut up. i just think that a varsity squad should be made up of generally upperclassmen, and underclassmen should only be accepted on if they make a devout effort to "go the extra mile". we're just not seeing it with a lot of them. my flyer is in freaking 8th grade and she is one of the most hardworking people on the squad. all that aside i really believe that when we're in florida people will understand that it's serious competition and you can't just sit and laugh if you mess up. i sound like a tool. but it's my last year and i know most of us really want this and really do take it seriously.
billy's birthday is in 2 days and mine's in a week...come to our party, at billy's on the 17th at 7. it'll be fun. yay for being 18! God has been working like crazy in my life this past week. i reluctantly went to youth group last sunday and scotty talked about lust...not just the sex lust, but all different kinds of it and i realized that i'm a victim of every kind. and just because i'm keeping away from sexual stuff doesn't mean i'm some holy person because the desire is still totally there and that's the root of the problem. it's natural to WANT for things, but when whatever it is becomes something that you want so badly that you're oblivious to the consequences and it becomes unhealthy then it's lust. and initially i just thought lust was totally about sex and stuff. but it's not, you can lust over anything. a lot of it for me is a jealousy thing. like i see a pretty girl with a perfect body and i think, something must be wrong with me since i don't look like her. and i tend to take it a lot deeper and meditate on it a lot and i am just never comfortable with my body or my face or my hair and in my mind i can make myself feel like the ugliest, fattest girl in the world when i'm not even ugly or fat in the least, but in my mind it's all i can think about and it's all i know sometimes. i mean even at the gym if the girl next to me has been running for a long time then i naturally think that something's wrong with me if i can't keep up. & in addition i also learned that it's a pride issue, because there are 2 types of pride: the "im the best, look at me" type and the "feel sorry for me, give me sympathy" type. so basically me not being comfortable with the way i look is not only a lust to look like brittany spears or whoever the heck but it's also pride thing, because i do, i rely on my boyfriend to build me up and tell me amazing things about myself (which he always does anyway) just so i can hear it and just to make me feel better. it's twisted, it really is. and honest to God i can't change it without God's help. i am the most sinful person i know. i am the most twisted person i know. anyway that was pretty sincere and i can't believe i just posted it on the internet. ive been researching this whole lust thing though and i've found some really great stuff that hits pretty hard. this is a really good article if anyone else is dealing with some type of it and wants to check it out: http://www.solidrock.net/library/anders
Nov. 28th, 2004
10:55 pm
Let me out of this seatbelt
The restraint is suffocating
Asphyxiating, a safety tool and
Demonstrating, as the attendant shows us how
To hold us back, allowing us to crash.
Remove the signs of limited speeds
Set to prevent a flash of light from showing up
Behind us—and if you decide to, say, break one,
The result could be frustrating
And you, resting on your last set of laurels.
Take the key and lock her up
A leash strapped on an unruly pup
Yet yield to its owner is out of the question
And who’s to differentiate between the two
To set the standard of who’s leading who?
What is this chaste that’s got us in a bind?
Why can’t some common ground we find?
To follow through, respect decrees
How authoritatively challenged can we be?
Or conform to us, need they?
When it’s done, we’ve all stepped out of the way.
i sort of like my english poem, at least for whipping it up in 5 minutes. but i still don't know what the contextual and cultural symbols are. oh well. yesterday i went to prime outlets in williamsburg with carter and her sister and her mom. we met carson from queer eye for the straight guy after carter spotted him shopping in ralph lauren polo. i've never seen the show so i didn't get too excited, but carter and ryan did so he signed an autograph for them and wrote "hugs and cashmere" which is hilarious. & he was wearing uggs. i think uggs are the ugliest thing to become trendy in america, with the exception of alana's since she is an authentic australian and had them before they were being sold in claire's. today was smashing. slept in, sunday school was good, went to the mall to kill time and then my baby called me! i jogged out of the mall (really, i jogged) and sped over to his house and into his arms and didn't leave until i was torn away to go to cheering practice, which consisted of 3 long and frusterating hours. but then i went back to billy's where we had unlimited time to snuggle and kiss. I LOVE BILLY COLONNA. i was starving so we went to this weird vegan/vegetarian/regular restaurant which ended up being delicious (minus the hummus). bye.
Nov. 24th, 2004
08:19 pm
i hope everyone saw how billy asked me to homecoming yesterday. he recreated the scene in "10 things i hate about you." in the middle of the cafeteria at lunchtime all of a sudden the music to that song "can't take my eyes off of you" comes on and he pops out and starts singing it at the top of his lungs. it was amaaaazing and sooo funny! i love my baby. that even beat out the way he asked me last year, with the sign and all. i miss him soo much and it's only been one day!
today i slept in until 11:30...so nice. then i did whatever, got my sat scores and come to find out i raised it almost 200 points from the last time i took it. so that put me in a pretty good mood, and then i had a tremendous workout which put me in an even better mood. i'm only sad that my gym's closed tomorrow. my grandparents/aunt arrived today and we just went out to dinner at steinhilber's. now i'm going to sleep over at joanna's since i'm kicked out of my bed. as far as the rest of this week goes, i'll just be bombarded with family tomorrow at my house for thanksgiving, then saturday carter and i are going to the prime outlets in williamsburg...be nice to be between now and then and i just may get you a little gift...and then we have to rush back for practice from 3-6, and then practice again sunday 2-5, then my baby comes home!
Nov. 22nd, 2004
11:00 pm
"Faith is not something some people have and others don't. Faith also isn't something opposed to reason. Faith is something that everybody needs to get started in any direction, and to keep going in the face of discouragement. Reason builds on a foundation of faith."
--Philip Johnson
09:37 pm
update. only 2 days of school this week, then it's thanksgiving break. my one set of grandparents just left this morning after having been here since summer, and the other set of grandparents plus more family arrive wednesday i believe. uhh lately i've been doing school and cheerleading. practice is everyday till 5:30 and then i usually go to the ymca afterward for cardio. so i dont get home till 7:30 everyday. baby's going to maryland wed-sun so i'll miss my boogaloo:( 5 days...geez. that's the longest we've been apart since july. anyway so yeah cheering stressful but i love it so much. we only have 3 weeks of practice till NATIONALS in florida and we have a lot to live up to. we are going to get at least second place. and our new uniforms are sick, even if i do feel slightly washed out in the black. we look intimidating baby. i dont really care about livejournal or updating crap anymore, every now and then it's nice but it's kind of dumb. i'm telling you, i bought a real journal this summer and haven't written in it since school started. less than a month and i'll be 18...woohoo! and so will billy. we're going to have a joint bday party but the problem is what day to do it...his is on the 9th and we have games that friday and saturday, then exams that next week. eh we'll figure it out. today at school english and psych both handed out practice ap tests and i just can't focus on stuff like that anymore. just wait till after christmas and senioritis is goign to be at its peak. especially once i know for sure that i'm going to jmu and don't have to worry about applying anywhere else. i heard some super good news about jess at school today--looks like God has been honoring our prayers with a big YES. just when you think that you've been at a christian school for so long and know everything you can about him, he reveals himself even more. come to think of it, i've never really "enjoyed" bible class until this year. i've learned so much, and right now we're looking at all the holes in evolution and it's just really interesting to me. it's just strange to think that educators aren't allowed to teach the scientific evidence that disagrees with evolution, religion aside. i mean, if they are going to teach a topic, shouldn't they be allowed to teach about both sides of evidence? latuhh.
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giddyNov. 12th, 2004
11:50 pm
no school today. finally got to sleep in till past 10--lovely. had a great workout, it's been a while. 7 months with billy was on wednesday, so we celebrated tonight--i cooked! creole shrimp which was delish, and for dessert i made crepes with a mocha filling and chocolate syrup on top, garnished with raspberries. it was seriously amazing. i didn't know i was capable of cooking like that. and i made everything from scratch, too! even the chocolate syrup which almost exploded. & i actually touched raw shrimp--peeled a pound of it, in fact. and i had a good time doing it. i am going to be such a good mom. let's see and then we went and saw bridget jones which was hilarious (wobbly bits) and went in the hot tub. fantastic evening. i have hardly any homework this week too. & jess came to school yesterday, it was really good to see her, and she's being so awesome about dealing with the cancer. i really admire that girl.... cheering has been pretty dramatic this week. jordan fell out of a lib, and my group dashed to grab her--we grabbed everything we could, which happened to be her entire lower body, and her head hit the ground. i was so scared--the first thing she said was "i feel paralyzed," and i just lost it, i really thought "this is it...it's over." turns out she is totally fine, not even a concussion. but yeah that incident really brought a reality check to our entire squad...needless to say practice is now a lot more structured and people have stopped goofing off. nationals is a go in a month and a half. so sleepy right now, i'm outtie.
Nov. 4th, 2004
08:40 pm
oh my gosh. talk about an insane week. cheering started, so that's practice everyday except for saturdays (yep, even sundays) until march. practice ends 5:30 which is rush hour, so i dont get home till 6+. then elections this week which turned out positive, blood drive in school (which i stayed far far away from), more homework than i can physically and mentally complete by the correct due dates including an ap english paper on who know's what that's due tomorrow (i have 3 sentences done). but we are allowed to turn it in monday if we have to so whatev. and most importantly of all, my girl jess is in the hospital and it's serious. so everyone's freaking out about that...my mind is whirling. why is putting a situation in the hands of God so easy to say, but so hard to do? sigh...everything's just so confusing right now. it's just really hard for me to accept anything bad happening to anyone that i know...it doesn't ever seem real to me.
on a lighter note...umm...hmm. i got accepted into national honor society. my mom got a rockin new car so that's fun. i was just thinking lately how i haven't had any babysitting jobs in a long time and how i would like to make some money, and after practice i had 2 voicemails on my phone, both babysitting jobs so yay! SATs saturday:/ don't know when the heck i'll have time to study for that. i feel like i'm running in full speed and i'm about to faint. i almost fainted in cheering today. it wouldn't be so bad if i could actually complete stuff, but i can't seem to focus on anything anymore. God is good, just remember that. and prayer is powerful.
Oct. 31st, 2004
09:49 pm
i am so insecure. i am so happy. but i haven't been happy with myself since i was too young to care. i want to be too young to care. i never make it up to the mark of GOOD. don't pity me; i'm not fishing for a compliment. i just want for once to not be in the middle, not be average, not be ordinary. am i ordinary? i would hate to think so--i hate the movie american beauty. no, i hate american beauty in general. what is beautiful? why is there a standard? why do i try so hard to meet it?
i love writing things out because i answer my own questions. life on earth is a vacation for crying out loud. nothing is ours--we are here to do God's will and just glorify him in EVERYTHING--not to sit here worrying about being fat or ugly or not pretty enough or not smart or funny enough--it's ridiculous. the Bible is the book of truth--in that book, did God say anything about abiding to society's ideas of hot and cool? no way. so why do we even care? it's a bunch of crap yet we get so roped into it and it's a headache. i'm going to have fun, and live for GOD--not my boyfriend, not my family, not my friends, not school, not what i look like, not me--all that stuff isn't life and you can't live off of other peoples' standards or even your own. i have to go by what God says because it's the only way i can actually have life. phew.
Oct. 19th, 2004
10:33 pm
dis my boy, i love him.
i'm going to EUROPE BABY with my girl 3 days after graduation!!! woooo!
*halloween costume party friday to raise money for my squad (we're going to nationals in orlando in january).
*howl-o-scream saturday with people and whoever tags along.
*school is going great. really stressful but i will most likely have straight a's this quarter.
*waiting for my sat scores so i can apply to tech, jmu, uva and william&mary...uva's such a bust but i'm really hoping to go to w&m. i also need to apply for some scholarships really soon since i really need money and i have made our car insurance bill verrrry high because i am retarded.
*how is everyone else doing? let me know if i can do anything to help anyone out...i'm getting sick of my life revolving around me (ugh). so anything, from a prayer request to a favor or whatever, i'd love to help.
Oct. 17th, 2004
10:54 pm
when you're 9 you want to be 13 so you can be a teenager and do big kid stuff. when you're 13 you can't wait to turn 16 so you can drive like a big kid. then you're 16 and driving isn't so amazing anymore and you set your sights on 18 so you can be an adultish big kid. isn't that how it goes? and now i'm 18 (er, almost) and it still isn't old enough, and i still can't do all the things i'll be able to do when i'm "older." then you're older and you think how great it was to be a kid and wish to be young again. what is this?
wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long.
Oct. 7th, 2004
06:58 pm
i think the only two songs i've never gotten sick of no matter how many times i listen to them over and over again, are semi-charmed life by 3eb and y-control by the yeah yeah yeahs. tomorrow's a half day & then i am finishing my present for billy's and my 6th month (sunday) which is going to be so dorky but so awesome, and then i guess i have to study for SATs since i'm taking them saturday, then i'm babysitting and then probably spending the night at joanna's since SATs are at FC and she's right there. yeah um...okay.
Oct. 3rd, 2004
07:10 pm - life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about
i haven't updated in a while. i've been neglecting a lot, in fact, including writing in my own journal and having my devotions. i've just let my priorities go crazy. well realizing is the first step to getting back on track, i guess.
wow i haven't even updated about the senior trip. it was a really good time. ropes course, 2am curfew and still going to bed by midnight with alana and chelsea, making out under the stars with billy, canoeing down the shenandoah 11 miles, class-bonding bonfire, and some really good devotions. and don't forget sleeping more or less outside in the freezing cold and having to wake up between 6 and 7 each morning, senior sweatshirts, and being able to see our breath in the cold air in the morning and night and then having it be burning hot midday. not to sound sappy, but i am so glad to be graduating at my school with my class of 44 people or whatever and being friends with everyone. it can't get any better.
anyway whatever it was fun. fast forward to this weekend. i hung out with joanna friday! i didn't realize how much i'd missed her. i love her so much. BFFs yo. carter spent the night friday & i did my best to teach her the nationals dance routine because we had practice saurday. cheering is a little iffy right now. we'll see how everything goes once season starts. it's a lot to live up to when the past 3 times our V has gone to nationals they've won 1st, 2nd, and 1st place again. i just want to place. i dyed billy's hair last night--it turned out blackish with a little purple and red in it:/ not exactly what we were looking for and nothing like the picture on the box but we got a good laugh out of it. & we bought different hair dye to lighten it up but that was a total waste because it didn't change anything. but it actually grew on me today. i love my baby so much. words can't express. 6 months on oct. 10, yay. i'm making something cool as well.
oh yeah, abortion protest was today. we actually got more positive responses than negative responses. except for the guy who splashed windshield wiper fluid on us, haha! i wish some women didn't view abortion to be their choice because it's "their bodies." that's so off base--mrs. woodward gave a good example of how that little life growing inside of her was not, in fact, her body--it was a boy, and that was in no way her body. yeah, she worded it better but same idea. a baby, a fetus--whatever you chose to call it, undeniably had its own body. abortion kills children. nuff said.
school is super fun, but the actual school part of it is super frusterating. i got an 86 on my first ap english paper which pissed me off. i don't know how i'm going to pass that exam. and i've gotten 86s on both of my ap psych tests, which is debatable come monday. i am not accepting an 86 on that last test. i'm also stressed because the first issue of the Echo has to be ready for print by oct. 14, and i just want people to like it. because if they don't like this issue, i don't know how my staff and i are going to keep our heads above water to do this monthly. oh well it'll probably be okay. & i'm trying to get into national honor society and i have to have everything turned in by next monday.
God is GOOD.
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annoyedSep. 20th, 2004
Sep. 17th, 2004
11:32 pm
+ senior trip is this week tues-fri
+ my class has bonded so much already so the trip is going to rule
+ focus meeting tonight was really awesome
+ having direction in life
+ loving life. i am so at peace.
+ i still haven't gained back any of the weight i lost last month
+ going to hang out with JOANNA tomorrow
+ billy
- i need a job
- carter has to read her sister's speech at the funeral tomorrow. i know it's going to be hard for her. pray for everyone there...
- i haven't been able to work out in so long because this week has been jam packed
- i had driving school wed. and thurs. nights for my ticket. go once more on the 30th
- my doctor, whose kids i babysit all the time just found out she has breast cancer...
- thrilled about being editor of the high school paper, but so nervous about getting this first issue off the ground
i got a xanga. i don't think i'm going to be writing in this much anymore. senior year=time to make new memories. http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=com
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exhaustedSep. 3rd, 2004
11:00 pm
i want so badly to be beautiful. i take so very much to heart. i really enjoy this one ben kweller song:
the butterflies are passive-aggressive
and put their problems on the shelf
but they're so beautiful.
he'll realize the only thing that's real
are the kids that kid themselves, and the demise
of the beautiful. What is beautiful?
i've just always been grateful for those lines of song, because really, what is beautiful? so many things. maybe the line should read, what ISN'T beautiful? because that would be less vague of a question. either way i could sit here and analyze beauty from its opposite but that wouldn't change the facts.
i want to write a million and one books, novels, and mysteries. i have way too much bottled up passion and i don't even what to do with any of it, and i'm sick of ignoring it. i don't want to be held back and i love finding beauty in dirt. it is due time.
i am in love with you, william benjamin colonna. that is not an annoying or mushy statement; it is simply fact and i can't help it. i need your arms around me when i cry the way i did tonight, and i need to take the way you look at me when i say something out of the clouds and put it in a jar. God gave me someone who perfectly balances out my goods and bads with his own. i do believe that you are the only person i am to spend the rest of my life with, because when i kiss your lips or look at the half-smile that forms on your face at any given moment, it seems as if there really are a set of the same fingerprints in this world. and when you hold someone's hand and it fits as perfectly as you can imagine, you just know. it's reality, and in that case, i love this crazy world in which i don't even live.
Aug. 25th, 2004
09:58 pm
quick update. today was the first day of school of course. it was a blur mainly. umm we lost our senior privilages because we did the pranks last night. we were out there from like midnight to 3am working hard to make good pranks and we get to school this morning and our pranks were demolished; the faculty had cleaned everything and all our work was for nothing. the underclassmen didn't even get to see it. many of the teachers found it to be hilarious, but then a few others were furious which is why we lost our privilages. we defaced nothing and did no harm to the school, just good, clean, traditional fun and all for nothing. but oh well, we get our privilages back tomorrow anyway i think. anyway school was a half day and then my adorable boyfriend and i went out for lunch and then to macarthur so i could run some errands. my classes seem kind of hard but i can't really make that judgement based on today. i already have an english test tomorrow over w.h. all that aside, senior year is going to kick some massive bottom!
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